It’s one of those days….

Today is one of those days when nothing really works. Nothing could possibly work, and everything feels completely hopeless and depressing.

It’s been just over 6 months, and I thought I had a grip on things. I’ve been so darn capable, strong, tough and wise. (To the point where it almost makes me barf, just a little, being such a Miss goody-two-shoes here). I’ve  found solid footing and began to cautiously explore the future. There have, of course,  been setbacks but I deal with it. Today was not one of those days, where I do that. I started out when my Google calendar reminded me it was Peter’s birthday tomorrow. As if I needed a reminder for that ?!? There are already plans in motion for tomorrow. I had figured out the best way to spend that day, so I wasn’t even worried. Thinking I would be quite alright amongst good friends. Still, there was a painful sting in my heart when I realized that this day wasn’t at all about organizing a party, wrapping a gift or planning a fun surprise.

Suddenly, a friend posted a photograph on Facebook. One of those photos that appear as a “memory”. It was an image from exactly one year ago. I could never have predicted how I would react to that. It was just overwhelming. The rest of the day became one of those downward spirals. Memories, thoughts, wishes, feelings of loss and grief. So much sorrow! I felt abandoned. Only the Portuguese have an appropriate word for all of this: Saudades.

Eventually, I managed to pick myself up to go shopping. There are some things that need to be done, and that is sometimes the way forward. Cat-food, milk, toilet paper… Finally arriving at the check-out, I realize I left home without my wallet. Apparently, my brain is not in working order.

I spend the rest of the day with a really thick novel, to distract myself. It works only to a certain extent. I finish the book (all of the 1114  pages), and still, all of the sad emotions are there, waiting. A very dear friend of mine said that happiness is something you can share, but grief is very lonely. Today, I know exactly what she means. Completely lacking the ability to talk to anyone. Yesterday I spoke with Peter’s mom, and the sadness overcame me like a huge weight. I could barely keep my voice normal. I really try to not break down while talking to her, because she has lost her son, and that is way worse. There is really no one I can talk to at those moments. This is all mine, and very personal. So I just have to let it pass. It’s a process, I get that. I’m a strong woman?! I can find the way, my happiness, and the future.

But some days, I just can’t find the strength. All these sad emotions are just too big and heavy to take on, so I have to allow myself to have a break down. If only for a day.

Right now, there is only one thing to do. Turn up the volume on Peter’s “signature-song” really, really loud.

Now, I’ll go and find that bottle of Tequila that I know is somewhere in the house, wallow in self-pity for a couple of hours, in the company of a box of Kleenex.

I embrace the break down, because only through that, can I move forward again. It allows me to let his spirit fill the house once more. I cry, we talk, I recover. Part of the process.

Tomorrow, I will spend the day surrounded by our mutual friends, and remember how much fun we had exactly one year ago.

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2 Responses to It’s one of those days….

  1. Ilva Beretta says:

    Vet du, inte för att jag vill att du ska vara ledsen men jag tror att det behövs såna här sorgestunder för annars skulle det ju vara konstigt. Jag tror att de fyller en funktion, liksom som om du djupdyker ner i sorg men så tar du dig upp till ytan och flyter och bearbetar sorgen där nånstans inne i dig och så kommer nästa våg av sorg men så flyter du upp igen, det blir längre och längre mellan vågorna och du flyter bättre och bättre. Det kommer alltid att finnas vågor men de blir mindre höga och farliga. Jag önskar att jag kunde hjälpa dig men som du skrev, sorg är verkligen ett ensamt arbete.

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