Today is one of those days when nothing really works. Nothing could possibly work, and everything feels completely hopeless and depressing.
It’s been just over 6 months, and I thought I had a grip on things. I’ve been so darn capable, strong, tough and wise. (To the point where it almost makes me barf, just a little, being such a Miss goody-two-shoes here). I’ve found solid footing and began to cautiously explore the future. There have, of course, been setbacks but I deal with it. Today was not one of those days, where I do that. I started out when my Google calendar reminded me it was Peter’s birthday tomorrow. As if I needed a reminder for that ?!? There are already plans in motion for tomorrow. I had figured out the best way to spend that day, so I wasn’t even worried. Thinking I would be quite alright amongst good friends. Still, there was a painful sting in my heart when I realized that this day wasn’t at all about organizing a party, wrapping a gift or planning a fun surprise.
Suddenly, a friend posted a photograph on Facebook. One of those photos that appear as a “memory”. It was an image from exactly one year ago. I could never have predicted how I would react to that. It was just overwhelming. The rest of the day became one of those downward spirals. Memories, thoughts, wishes, feelings of loss and grief. So much sorrow! I felt abandoned. Only the Portuguese have an appropriate word for all of this: Saudades.
Eventually, I managed to pick myself up to go shopping. There are some things that need to be done, and that is sometimes the way forward. Cat-food, milk, toilet paper… Finally arriving at the check-out, I realize I left home without my wallet. Apparently, my brain is not in working order.
I spend the rest of the day with a really thick novel, to distract myself. It works only to a certain extent. I finish the book (all of the 1114 pages), and still, all of the sad emotions are there, waiting. A very dear friend of mine said that happiness is something you can share, but grief is very lonely. Today, I know exactly what she means. Completely lacking the ability to talk to anyone. Yesterday I spoke with Peter’s mom, and the sadness overcame me like a huge weight. I could barely keep my voice normal. I really try to not break down while talking to her, because she has lost her son, and that is way worse. There is really no one I can talk to at those moments. This is all mine, and very personal. So I just have to let it pass. It’s a process, I get that. I’m a strong woman?! I can find the way, my happiness, and the future.
But some days, I just can’t find the strength. All these sad emotions are just too big and heavy to take on, so I have to allow myself to have a break down. If only for a day.
Right now, there is only one thing to do. Turn up the volume on Peter’s “signature-song” really, really loud.
Now, I’ll go and find that bottle of Tequila that I know is somewhere in the house, wallow in self-pity for a couple of hours, in the company of a box of Kleenex.
I embrace the break down, because only through that, can I move forward again. It allows me to let his spirit fill the house once more. I cry, we talk, I recover. Part of the process.
Tomorrow, I will spend the day surrounded by our mutual friends, and remember how much fun we had exactly one year ago.