Math never made me happy. Adding numbers is only fun if it’s you income, not your years. Well, until now, adding the number of years have not been an issue. I’ve been proud of my years. I’ve felt that each year represent lessons learned, new experiences, new people, becoming possibly older & wiser (there is still some distance to go until I reach any kind of milestone in the latter department, I know). Nevertheless, it has not bothered me. I’ve embraced every birthday! And a birthday party was all about seeing friends, a good reason to have a huge piece of cake and making toasts to many more years to follow. That was before…
Today, this year, absolutely everything has changed. The feeling is possibly comparable to a 15th century sailor going past the point of no return, into the unknown. And it’s actually, for the first time, a bit scary! Is it fear of growing old? Well, that should be OK, considering the option. Some are not around to celebrate their birthday, at all.
But still, today I see what gravity, damage and years has caused. Does not make me smile. Walking (shuffling) past the mirror this morning gave me a fright! I’ve passed the half-century line and then some, have absolutely passed the “sell-by-date”, I’m “over the hill”, I’m a grandmother of four! And have all the wrinkles to prove it. And possibly letting vanity take a hit at my descending self-esteem…
Anyone that knows me, will also know I will overcome this mood. I will always look positively on the future. I love life and I want to stick around long enough to have many more occasions for cake and champagne. Just let me sulk a bit today. I’ll turn the music up and dance until I feel better.
Maybe it’s because I’ve had a completely different idea of what this day would be like. It should have been a party on the beach. But maybe I will do that next year. Life has changed. Maybe I changed a little in the process. So, this year, I will change the game plan. I’ll be “running away” from home for a day. Do some sightseeing around this wonderful place where I live. Go somewhere I’ve never been before, and explore.
Different can be good. Change is normally good (even if the process is sometimes unbelievably difficult). And then some things need to be just the same. I’ll find some cake and a glass of champagne, and a reason to smile.
Tomorrow, everything will be back to normal. I’ll get on with stuff. And while I close the book on the number of years passed, I’ll open a new chapter. I think it will have a lot of extraordinary things in it!